


Lost

by let_it_reign



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2018-07-11 09:08:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7041907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/let_it_reign/pseuds/let_it_reign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ali has to pick herself up after losing her best friend<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so new story. there is death in this chapter but there is nothing graphic so yeah.

Happiness to Ali was playing soccer. Ali didn’t just play soccer, she lived soccer and she loved playing with her best friend. 

Ali was the right-back for her club team, and the vice-captain. The captain was Ali’s best friend Beth. She played centre mid and always took charge on the field. Ali and Beth had the best friendship; they looked out for each other on and off the pitch. On the pitch they had the best connection, making plays no one else could even imagine. If one of them was having a bad game then the other would step in. If Ali wanted to push higher up the pitch all it took was one look at Beth for each of them to know what to do. Ali would push and Beth would automatically drop into the space Ali left. Off the pitch they were loud and bubbly, off the pitch they were focused and determined. They could communicate without talking but also used each other to vent their frustrations. The only time they switched off from this was when one of them scored, especially if the other had got the assist. 

There was only one thing that separated them.

Beth played for the youth national teams. She had done for a few years and now stories had started to arise about her being the ‘next big thing’. Beth was on a one way path the stardom and Ali was by her side every step. Ali wasn’t going to deny the slight pangs of jealously every time Beth went away to camp but those feeling were massively over ridden by the feelings of pride she felt for Beth.

One thing Ali truly admired was how humble Beth was about everything. You could ask Beth if she thought she was going to turn professional and everyone could see clearly that she would, but Beth would always say the same thing, ‘I don’t know, maybe, we’ll see what happens.’

She never said it in a cocky, arrogant way though, you could see that she genuinely didn’t know, no matter what happened she didn’t want to assume things and certainly didn’t want everyone to know about her ability. Hell, not even half of her year at school knew she played for the national teams. But that’s the kind of person Beth was, not enjoying the attention and not wanting anyone to feel any less than her. Whenever Ali came to Beth with any news about her football Beth was always so happy for Ali. And not in a sympathetic way either, Ali could always tell Beth was truly proud of her achievements, even if they were tiny compared to her achievements herself.

Often people kept their soccer life separate from their personal life, having soccer friends and then school and social friends. Ali and Beth however didn’t do that, they were virtually inseparable; you didn’t get one without the other. Of course Beth had friends on the national teams but Ali never heard much about them because Beth kept pretty quiet about her time with the national teams. She did this so Ali didn’t get too upset about where she was and to help her believe in herself. There was one player Ali heard about though, Ashlyn Harris. From the brief stores Ali had heard, Ashlyn sounded like one hell of a character, always pranking team mates and such. Ali had to admit that she definitely sounded like someone she wouldn’t get along with. She was loud, Ali was quiet. She was brash and cocky, Ali was just quietly confident with her ability.

 

1 hour. 1 hour was all it took for Ali’s life to be changed forever. She had returned home from a tournament with her team and by their own reckoning had ‘killed it’. They had won the tournament only conceding 2 goals the whole time. Ali and Beth had both played some of the best soccer they ever had in their lives and they were so happy. Neither of them could wipe the smiles of their faces as they collected the trophy.

So in 1 hour Ali was brought crashing back down to Earth. She got home to see her mother stood solemnly at the door. Ali’s initial thoughts were to Kyle, what had happened to him? Her mother reassured her it wasn’t Kyle and told Ali just to sit in the living room.

Ali sunk slowly into the sofa and waited for her mother to come through. Her mind was racing but she couldn’t work out what the problem was. Her mother came in and sat next to her and Ali could see the tears building up in her eyes.

‘Mum please, just tell me what it is’ Ali aid her voice becoming panicked.

‘Ali ‘ her mum started ‘I don’t know how to say this and I don’t know what to do to make this bet-‘

‘Mum just tell me’ Ali cut in, she knew it wasn’t good news and dragging this out was only making it worse.

‘O-okay, Ali it’s about Beth. She was in car accident on the way home.’

Ali just looked confused, ‘Is she alright? Can we go see her?’

‘That’s the thing Ali, she isn’t alright and you can’t see her’ Ali’s mother took a deep breath. ‘Ali, Beth she… she didn’t make it. Ali I’m sorry but Beth was killed in the crash.’

Ali felt tears rolling down her cheeks so stood up and made her way to her bedroom, not saying a thing to her mother who had begun to cry and was shouting after her.

Ali entered her bedroom and tore off her kit. She didn’t want to be wearing this when she knew Beth never would or could again. 

Ali didn’t want to be the one sat here right now. Beth was going into national team camp in a few days she was so excited and Ali was just going to be going to school like normal. Beth was going places, Ali might just get into a Division 1 college. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. After throwing her kit across the room Ali just collapsed onto the floor her back resting against the door so no one could come in. Still Ali didn’t cry, to Ali if she cried that meant Beth truly was gone. Ali was just numb, she didn’t know what to do. Ali was lost.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's game day so here's a new chapter  
> Kinda sad this chapter so yeah

It was one week after that day and Ali had spent most of her time in her bedroom, only really letting her guard down for Kyle. Except now it was the funeral, and she didn’t know how she would be in when surrounded by all these people, some she knew and most she didn’t. Beth’s parents had already asked Ali if she wanted to say anything at the funeral, and with regret she had declined. Ali couldn’t see how anything she could say would do justice to the great person Beth was.

It was while Ali was getting ready that she felt guilty that she wasn’t going to speak and needed away to give herself closure about it. Ali walked over to her shelf and picked up her favourite picture of the two of them. It was from the last tournament and Beth had just scored a goal. However she had scored off Ali’s assist and they were both so happy. The picture was of them hugging after, both of them with the biggest smiles on their faces. That goal had meant so much to the both of them, and to Ali, this picture meant more than words could describe.

Ali wasn’t sure what to do in this moment so did what was natural, spoke to Beth about it.

‘Hey Beth. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing right now. Well, I’m talking to a picture and I can only imagine the abuse I’d get off you if you were here right now,’ Ali let out a soft laugh at the thought, ‘I’m just getting ready to go out, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not going to speak but I can’t do it. I couldn’t possibly tell anyone what I’m feeling or what a brilliant, beautiful person you were. I’m sorry if you want me to speak but it’s not going to happen. So right now I’m going to tell you something and I promise this will happen.’ Tears had started to fall down Ali’s cheeks. ‘Look, Beth, you were going to make it, you were going to turn professional out of college and I don’t care how much you deny it, it was going to happen. The whole country was talking about your talent and now you’re not here and you’re not going to make it, so right now I’m going to promise you something. Beth, I’m going to play for Penn State, just like you wanted to, hell, I think they’re coach would’ve given you a full-ride right now if her knew you wanted to go there. I’m going to go to Penn State and I’m going to turn professional and I’m going to do it for you. If you can’t, someone has to for you.’ Ali held the picture to her chest and sat on her bed as the tears fell freely down her face.

Ali just sat there, until there was a soft tap on her door. ‘Ali, are you ready? We’re leaving in a minute.’ Kyle said softly.

When Ali still didn’t come out Kyle let himself into her room. Ali saw the door open and still she just sat on her bed, she let the tears fall but made no sound or attempt to wipe them from her face.

‘Kyle…’ Ali whispered, ‘Kyle, I can’t do it. I miss her so much, this isn’t fair.’

‘Alex, I know, but you know what she would want you to do, face everything with a strong front, you do this and I know she’ll be so proud of you’ Kyle said pulling Ali into his side. ‘Come on Al, let’s face this together yeah? Let’s go say goodbye to her and then we can come back and sit here together and we can say goodbye together, in private.’

Ali slowly pulled away from Kyle and finished getting ready. It was times like this she didn’t know what she would do without him.

At the funeral Ali sat with the rest of the team and Kyle also joined them. They had all get Beth’s number written on their hands,11, even if it was the most cliché thing to do. They all sat their keeping strong for their captain. Many of the girls were crying, but Ali wasn’t she promised to be strong for the team, and she would.

After the main service Ali just wanted to go home with Kyle, the sadness was overwhelming her and she just wanted to sit with the person she was closest to. Beth’s parents had come over to Ali to see if she was okay and see how she was coping. It was clear the grief had broken them and Ali wasn’t evens sure if they had slept since the crash. 

‘Ali, you were Beth’s closest friend, on and off the pitch. We know you’re hurting right now but there’s something we want you to have and we knew Beth would approve of it.’ Beth’s dad said as he placed something into Ali’s had and closed her fist around it.

Ali opened her fist to see the captain’s armband there. ‘Thank you, I don’t know what to say, honestly. I swear I’ll do it justice and make you proud and I’ll make Beth proud. Anything the team does from now on is for her and I don’t know how we’ll manage but we will, and it’ll be for her, and for you.’ Ali said to Beth’s parents who both had tears streaking their faces, they couldn’t believe how strong Ali was being.

‘We would have given you her old jersey but one got took in the hospital so we only have her away jersey now. It would have been yours Ali.’ Beth’s mother got out between sobs.  
‘Thank you, seriously I appreciate this, and keep that jersey, treasure it you should keep it.’ Ali said, ‘I’ll see you around and come and visit from time to time. Thank you.’

Ali couldn’t bear to see anyone else anymore and just needed to go home, it was too tough for her so she went and said her goodbyes and found Kyle to take them both home.

They both got home and headed straight to Ali’s room where they sat on her bed in silence for about 20 minutes. Ali was holding the captain’s armband close to her chest, she swore it still smelt like Beth.

It was a few more minutes before Kyle broke the silence.

‘How you doing, Ali?’

Ali couldn’t even get any words out before the tears began to fall and she started sobbing.

‘Hey, Ali. I’m so proud of you doing that, I know it was tough’ Kyle whispered pulling her into a hug.

‘It’s just, I miss her so much and all I can think about is the talent the world has lost’ Ali took a deep breath and continued, ‘but all most people will know her as is the crazy talented footballer, but I swear Kyle, I swear she was so much more than that. She would never brag, she was the most humble person I’ve ever seen Kyle and the world has lost a beautiful person. I can’t help think about all the people she would have met and all the places she would visit if she was still here.’

‘You know what you need to do then Ali, you need to show the world what they are never going to see, you do it. You meet all the people she might’ve done and go to all the places she would’ve done. Ali, you make it, you achieve great things and do it all being humble. You do it Ali, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.’

Ali just leant into Kyle’s side and cried a little more until she couldn’t cry anymore. The day had exhausted Ali and she drifted to sleep.

Just before her also fell asleep Kyle whispered one more thing to Ali, ‘I believe in you Al, and you have more talent that you realise. Beth knew this and she believed in you as well so you’ll come out the other side of this a stronger person and you’ll make it Ali, I swear you will.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you all think? should I continue with it?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the teams first game back and Ali is captain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry in advance if there are any mistakes, I've re-read previous chapters and I'm sorry for any mistakes that were in them.  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter

It was one week on from the funeral and Ali was still struggling. She had finally returned to school only to feel cut off from anyone. A few people had spoken to her but no one really knew what to say to her. They didn’t have much in common with Ali and most of the time could only throw a sympathetic look in her direction. Ali knew she had to keep going though, it was the only way she would come out the other side.

The team had their first match since the accident and it was Ali’s first game as captain and her first game without Beth. Ali wasn’t quite sure what she was going to do but one thing was certain; she was going to push the team and herself as hard as she could so they could win.

Ali arrived at the pitch one hour before kick-off and was the first to get there. In reality Ali didn’t need to be there for another half hour but she needed the time to herself. Ali got out of the car and went to sit in the centre circle. She sat herself down and held the captain’s armband in her hands. This was Ali’s way of gaining closure. She had never envisioned herself gaining the captain’s armband in these circumstances. In all honesty Ali had never expected or wanted the armband, she knew the right person had it and that was all that mattered. Ali just sat reminiscing about all the happy times she had spent on the pitch and had to find some way within herself to make more memories, just of a different kind.

Ali made her way over towards the changing room a few minutes before her coaches and the rest of the team arrived, she wasn’t going to let it show that she was struggling with being there.

For the first time that Ali can remember the team’s changing room wasn’t full of the sound of girls laughing and singing along to the music blaring from the speaker, it was quiet. 

No one was really speaking apart from the occasional comment about their opponents and the match. Even as the team made their way out to warm up the mood didn’t pick up, no one was quite sure what to say.

Once warm ups were complete the team pulled into one last huddle before the match kicked off. With some final words of advice and encouragement from the coaches they put Ali on the spot asking for some final thoughts from the captain. She knew Beth always said something before a match but Beth always knew what to say, in this moment Ali had no clue what to say. Taking a deep breath she spoke from the heart and said what she thought would help.

‘Girls, this is going to be tough, we all know it. We’ve come off this tournament win in the best form and to be hit by this awful incident. We need to go out and make Beth proud, everything the team does from this moment forward is for her. We win for her, we fight for her and we pull together as a team for her.’ Ali took a breath and wiped her eyes as tears started to form. ‘Tonight, we give it our all, we don’t stop fighting until the final whistle blows. We go out tonight and we try and win. We get the win and know we did it in the right way. We go out believing ourselves, knowing we won’t be beaten by this. We go out full of belief and self-confidence and we make Beth proud to be our team captain. Let’s do this girls!’ Ali finished her speech and for the first time looked up at the rest of the team, they all had tears in their eyes, this match wasn’t going to be easy for anyone.

At half time the team were down 1-0. Ali was sure they could pull through and get the win but it was going to be tough. After listening to the coaches talk and give advice to the team Ali had one last thing that needed to be said before the second half started.

‘Girls, this second half will be tough so we need to give it everything we’ve got. We chase every ball, block every shot and make every tackle count. We don’t stop till this game is over. We go out and fight for the win. They have a slim lead, which with our quality of play can be easily overturned. I just want you all to know, leave any doubts you have about your ability in this changing room right now. Beth is watching and she believes in every single one of you. She doubts no one’s ability and neither do I or anyone else here right now. So let’s go out and show them how we can play and show this team how to win a match.’

It appears Ali’s speech at half time had an immediate impact on the team as within 5 minutes of the second half starting they had scored and tied the game at 1-1. After that initial promise shown by the team the game had been pretty much deadlocked in the midfield with tackles being made all over the place, neither team wanting to give this game up.

In the 85th minute Ali was running up the wing preparing to cross the ball into the box. She held the ball up as her centre forward darted towards the penalty spot. Ali whipped the cross in, but the striker ran too soon and the ball dropped just behind her allowing the opponent’s defence to clear the ball away.

The other team took advantage of Ali’s high position and charged straight into a counter attack. Ali ran back to defend almost stride for stride with the winger who had the ball. 

They laid off the pass to the centre forward and Ali kept running back towards her own box, there was no one she was giving this up now. Ali saw the striker winding up to shoot and knew immediately what she had to do. She moved directly in front of the player, not allowing her a view to the goal. 

What Ali hadn’t seen was the run the left back had made, so the striker played a quick one-two with her and was through on goal. It was at that point Ali knew the team had lost, there was no way the striker was going to miss, she was the best in the league, Ali wasn’t wrong either the ball was slotted calmly into the bottom left corner of the goal. It was minute 89 of the match, there was no coming back from this.

When the final whistle was blown, Ali wasn’t sure what to do, she had to pick the team up but was at her lowest as she felt there was more she could have done to stop the goal or score at the other end.

Ali’s coach called the team into a huddle at the end of the match, but Ali was walking in the other direction, straight to the changing rooms. She didn’t want to hear what ever sympathetic words were going to be said. She didn’t care what impression she was giving off to her coaches, team mates or the people watching the match. Ali just needed some time to get over what had happened.

Ali went into the changing rooms and sat down as she threw her bottle onto the changing room floor, before putting her head into her hands and just sitting there. The coach can’t have talked for long in the huddle because before Ali knew it her team were coming into the changing rooms. A few of the players she was closer with congratulated her on her performance and Ali just responded with a feeble attempt at a thank you. Most girls on the team just gave Ali space, and she needed it.

Despite being the first into the changing room Ali was also the last to leave. It was her strange habit after having a bad match or a bad loss Ali took longer to get ready to leave and go home, even though most players would want to leave quicker in that scenario.

Ali gathered up the last of her belongings and made her way out of the changing rooms. Just as she turned to head to the car her coach called after her, clearly he had waited for her to leave and to be honest she didn’t blame him.

‘Ali, a word please?’ her coach called after her.

Ali mumbled a less than pleasant phrase before turning to face her coach.

‘Yes?’

‘Ali, what was that? You had no right to just walk off. I was so proud of how you acted before the match and at half time, you helped the team so much and it was what they needed. But you ruined all good things you did in that match by storming off at the end.’ He kept a calm voice but was clearly angry at Ali for what she had done. ‘Why did you walk off?’

‘I was annoyed. I was annoyed we’d lost and I felt it was my fault, I needed the space and so I went.’

‘Ali why did you think the loss was your fault, you were the only one to try and block the girl, it was someone else’s job to spot the runner.’

‘Well that doesn’t change the fact it was my cross that lead to them having the counter attack in the first place. I should have crossed it better and then spotted the run and told someone.’

‘Look Ali, you gave it your all out there, I know how much winning this match would have meant to you but you’re playing a team sport, you shouldn’t feel like you have to carry the team yourself, there is 11 players on the pitch for a reason.’

‘Well I felt like I should carry the team, Beth was my best friend and I'm mow captain. The captain leads, and I feel it was my fault we lost,’ Ali was becoming more frustrated the longer this conversation went on, ‘We lost a game we should have won. We should have won and we didn’t, so forgive me for being pissed off but I am.’

‘Ali, I understand but you have no right to act in the way you did. We’re a team and you went off and left the team. Apart from making yourself look obnoxious you turned your back on the rest of the team. I honestly cannot excuse that so unless you can justify it you might find some changes have happened when you come to training in a few days.’

‘Okay, whatever’ Ali responded, she no longer cared what her coach thought and she just wanted to get home.

‘I’m not having this conversation with you if that is how you are going to act. Go home and I’ll see you at training with a better attitude.’ Ali’s coach was clearly annoyed at her  
nonchalant attitude.

‘Alright, whatever.’ Ali said turning on her heels and heading towards her car. She felt like crap already after that loss and her coach really did not help.

Ali slammed the car door shut and made the drive home with tears streaming down her face. When she got home she deflected her parent’s questions and just went and sat in her bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments? Feedback appreciated. I based this off my experiences at matches and with coaches- I'm from England so sorry if it isn't what you'd expect, idk I'm rambling now  
> I only have 2 more weeks left at school so there will be more updates soon.


	4. Chapter 4

Ali had been sat in her room for around an hour, but to her it felt much longer, staring at her blank bedroom wall when she heard a soft knock on her door. She quickly wiped away her tears and called for them to come in, thinking it was her parents. Ali breathed a sigh of relief when it was Kyle who opened the door as she really did not want to have to speak to her parents.

‘Hey, you okay?’

Ali just looked up and gave Kyle a look which very clearly said ‘do I look okay?’

‘Okay, stupid question. I’m gonna assume that match didn’t go well?’

‘That’s one way of putting it but at the minute Kyle I’m thinking something more along the lines of complete fucking disaster.’ Ali stated with a harsh tone.

‘Okay, okay. Let’s chill a little Ali. Want to tell me what actually happened?’

Ali normally appreciated her brother’s cheery ways but tonight it wasn’t helping her mood. Still, she felt like she needed to talk to someone and at least he wouldn’t get offended by whatever she said.

‘Well, if you hadn’t guessed, we lost. And it was my fault. And I stormed off into the changing rooms after the match. And I pissed of my coach. And here I am.’ Putting it like that was the only way Ali was going to put off crying even more.

‘Okay. I think I might need a little more detail to work with here Ali. It can’t be that bad, plus you’re like the last person I expect to manage to piss off the coach.’

Ali could only chuckle at how wrong Kyle was in this moment.

‘Ali, run through what happened, how did the game go, how was being captain?’

‘Okay. Well it started alright, I got to the pitch early to gather my thoughts and then I was set for the game. And that was all good and then getting ready we were all really quiet but like I guess that’s to expected. I was captain so after the coaches had spoken and whatever they asked me to as well. So I did and I spoke from the heart and said what I thought would be best for the team.’ Ali glanced up at Kyle and he gestured for her to continue. ‘So the match started and the first half was okay but we entered half time one nil down. To me that wasn’t a problem cause we’d pull it back because we were the better team, and again at half time I spoke up and motivated the team. Apparently that worked because at the start of the second half we scored. And the rest of the game was pretty tight in the midfield. It must have been towards the end of the game and I had a free run up the wing which I took and I made the cross but the forward didn’t get on to it so the other team countered and I was so far out of position. They then scored after I missed their players run and didn’t mark it. So yeah that’s what happened.’

‘But Ali what’s the issue with that, I know this game meant a lot but you’ve lost so many games and this wasn’t your entire fault. And it sounds like you properly stepped up as captain, what happened?’

‘Well when the game finished coach called us into a huddle and the last thing I wanted to do was go into a huddle so I just stormed off into the changing rooms leaving everyone else out on the field still. And I just sat in the changing rooms and you know how I am getting ready to go home after a match we’ve lost?’

‘Yeah I know you Ali, you take so long getting ready to leave when you’ve lost.’

‘Precisely and it seems my coach knows this too because what do I know when I just want to go home there he was waiting for me. I was properly pissed off by this point and really didn’t want to deal with him. He asked me what had happened and all that and I told him I walked off because I felt it was my fault.’ Ali paused to take a breath she felt herself tearing up out of frustration. ‘He then proceeded on to tell me I was “obnoxious” and he was gonna make changes at training if I didn’t explain myself. By this point I couldn’t care less and I basically told him as such so he ended the conversation and that was that. So I guess training will be fun.’

‘Ali, don’t tell me you’re acting like this because you’re scared of what coach will do at training?’

‘Course not Kyle, that really doesn’t bother me at this point.’

‘So what is it then?’ Kyle was beginning to get slightly frustrated with Ali.

‘What is it? It’s the fact I’ve lost my best friend. It’s the fact I’m now captain when we all know I’m only captain because Beth is gone. It’s the fact I’m expected to put on a brave face when no one else quite knows what I’m going through. It’s the fact that I’m supposed to carry this team and everyone else when I can’t cope.’ Tears streamed down Ali’s face and she had begun to shout.

‘I can’t fucking cope.’ Ali whispered this last line, almost scared to admit it.

‘Ali, don’t say that. I know it’s tough, it’s not going to be easy but you’ve got this.’

‘Kyle, I’m on the edge of quitting. I’m being expected to pick up the team and carry them but I can’t do it when I’m barely managing to drag myself along. I can’t do it Kyle. I don’t want to do it anymore.’

‘Don’t want to do what? Quit? Because you can guarantee that I won’t be letting you do that.’ Kyle said with a certain finality to his voice.

‘And why do you get to say that? Why can you say I’m not allowed to quit?’ Ali could barely believe what her brother was telling her.

‘Why? I was with you the other night when you decided you were going to do things for Beth. And I’m telling you one of the things you promise to do certainly wasn’t quit. And  
beyond that, you can’t quit because you have one tough game, you can move past that.’

‘Well I’m sure coach isn’t going to move past what I did.’

‘No, he’s not Ali but I don’t think you can really expect him to.’

‘I don’t know, I expect him to have a understanding that I’m going through a tough time and I had a reason to be pissed off.’ Ali felt annoyed Kyle was siding with her coach.

‘Ali listen,’ Kyle was becoming just as frustrated, ‘The other night you said you’d be humble, just like Beth was, and this,’ Kyle gestured wildly at Ali, ‘this is not humble. This is self-centred and not what Beth loved about you and it certainly isn’t what I love about you.’

‘Fuck off Kyle. I spoke to you because I thought you would help but apparently not. So just leave please.’

Kyle knew Ali needed her space now and couldn’t be bothered to keep arguing with her so he got up and left without any argument.

When Kyle shut her bedroom door Ali completely broke down. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She’d left her team when they needed her and now she’d shut out the person who she trusted most. And for what certainly wasn’t the first night Ali cried herself to sleep.

\---------------

Ali woke up groggy the next morning with tear stained cheeks and a heavy feeling of regret over the event of the previous night. She glanced at her clock at saw that it was 9:15am. She slowly slid out of bed and made her way to Kyle’s room. She knocked softly on his door before slowly opening the door. She went in and saw, like herself, he had clearly been crying, this only made her begin to cry again.

‘Kyle, I’m so sorry.’ He just stared blankly at her. ‘Please Kyle. I know what I said and I didn’t mean it, I was pissed off and needed some space.’

‘If you needed space you should’ve just asked.’

While it hurt Ali to see him like this the fact he was talking to her was something at least.

‘Look Kyle, I’m so sorry. I was pissed from the game and I was having a tough time and didn’t take a second to think. I know what I said will have hurt but last night I was forgetting that everyone else is hurting as well. You were right, I was being self-centred and I regret it more than anything. I’m sorry.’

They were both crying now and just pulled each other into a hug.

‘It’s okay Ali, it hurt honestly but I know you didn’t mean it.’ Kyle whispered.

‘Thanks Kyle, but do know that I’m not forgiving you for siding with my coach.’

Kyle just laughed at this. ‘Always so stubborn Alex.’

‘Kyle can we spend the day together, go to town or something? I just want to forget and be happy even if it’s just for a day.’

‘As you wish Princess’ Kyle was more than willing to spend the day with his sister.

‘Thank you’ Ali whispered before skipping back to her room to get dressed.

Ali and Kyle spent the best day wandering around town, they didn’t buy anything but they made sure to visit every shop. Ali appreciated the time spent with Kyle and for the first time since Beth died she felt truly happy and free. There were no expectations on her and she could just be herself. It was the perfect day Ali needed to help her through it all.  
Reality hit back though when later that evening she received a text of her coach.

Coach: Hi Ali. Practice tomorrow and I want to talk to you before please. So can you arrive at 5:15 so we can have chance to talk.

‘Fuck’ Ali thought, she’d forgotten she’d have to face her coach at some point.

Ali: Okay coach. 5:15 it is. See you then.

Ali’s jolly mood had somewhat disappeared after seeing that but there wasn’t much she could do about it, even if she felt bad about it there wasn’t much she could do she’d already annoyed him, there was no going back from that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long. this chapter is a bit short but I wanted to update before I go on holiday for a couple of weeks. the next chapter will be longer. sorry for any errors.

Ali pulled up to training at 5:10 in order to give herself some time to prepare for what may be coming. She slowly walked around the corner and saw her coach setting up some cones for training. She gave him a sheepish look and he signalled that he would only be a minute.

Ali’s coach made his way over and while she’d already thought about what she would say she still felt some nerves about what he was going to say to her.

‘Ali’

‘Coach’

‘That last game. That was not good and it certainly wasn’t what I expected of you or what I expect from my captain.’ Ali’s coach wasn’t wasting his time and got straight to the point.

‘Okay’ Ali mumbled.

‘This is making it worse Ali. You don’t even seem bothered. I might give you an easier time if you apologised and actually seemed to be bothered by it. And, Ali, I don’t think you quite realise how proud I was during that game, seeing you pull the team together when it was at breaking point. You wasted everything you put into that game and overshadowed all your brilliant work with an act of stupidity.’

‘The thing is Coach, I’m bothered, sure I am. But what difference will that make? I still acted the way I did and in a way in which I deemed appropriate for the situation. I don’t regret what I did and even if I did regret what difference would it make, I already pissed you off and probably most of the team.’

‘What difference would it make? Ali are you seriously asking me this? The difference it would make is that I would understand you let your emotions get the better of you. I would know that you regret it and wished you hadn’t done it. I would know that truly you are a team player and care about more than just yourself. Right now I see none of that.’

‘Okay Coach I get your point but it doesn’t make a difference. It happened, I don’t regret and here we are having this conversation getting absolutely nowhere.’ Ali responded sharply getting more frustrated at what was going on.

‘Okay Ali, how you acted in this conv-‘ he was cut off by the closing of a car door and the two of them turned their heads to see a couple of Ali’s teammates making their way over. They were laughing and joking, blissfully unaware of what they had cut short. ‘Ali, we’ll finish this conversation after training.’

‘Can’t wait Coach.’ Ali snapped back before slinging her bag onto her shoulder and heading towards the changing room to get ready for the session.

During the training session Ali subconsciously felt the need to prove herself to her teammates and coach. She pushed herself harder than ever throughout the session and ended up feeling completely exhausted with her legs barely keeping her standing. 

So again Ali found herself hanging back as the rest of the team went home. She had been wondering what her coach was going to tell her before the other girls turned up.

This time her coach avoided pleasantries and told her straight up. ‘Ali depending on how you acted in the earlier conversation affected how this conversation would end. And I’m not going to sugar coat it and I’m not changing my decision based on how well you trained tonight either. Ali I can’t allow you to act in the way you did. Captain or not. And I’m sorry but what happened with Beth didn’t only hurt you so that’s no excuse. Ali I’m sorry but ‘m going to bench you for the next game.’

‘Seriously?’ Ali couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

‘Yes Ali, seriously. I can’t allow it to happen. It’s only one game. The captaincy may take a couple more games to earn back however.’

‘No, no don’t say that,’ Ali realised what he had said, ‘Coach don’t say that. Beth’s parents gave me that. You know I should have it.’

‘Ali I do know you should have it you just need to prove it.’

‘Fuck’ Ali whispered under her breath. Things weren’t supposed to happen like this. Ali didn’t know what to do.

‘Ali, I’ll see you at the weekend and I swear you’ll see playing time.’ Her coach seemed to be trying to lighten her mood a little bit.

‘Okay Coach, see you then,’ Ali mumbled before heading into the changing rooms.

Ali got into the changing rooms and let the tears fall. She’d kept a strong front whilst talking to her coach but now she was alone it all came crashing down.

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.’ Ali whispered. She wasn’t supposed to be in this situation. She was supposed to be the one who’d pulled through when the team needed them, not the one being benched and stripped of the captaincy.

For the second time Ali gathered her belongings alone long after the rest of the team had left. For the second time Ali got into the car with tears streaming down her face. For the second time Ali deflected her parents questions when she got home. For the second time Ali went and sat in her room. For the second time she was brought back to reality by a soft knock at the door. And for what seemed like the hundredth time Kyle opened the door to see Ali sat on her bed staring blankly with tears falling down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts? any comments?


	6. Chapter 6

Ali didn’t tell Kyle what was wrong that night, instead the two sat silently comforted by each other’s presence. Ali knew Kyle wouldn’t push her to talk, and Kyle knew Ali would talk when she wanted.

That weekend Ali got in the car to head to the tournament her team was playing at. It was a tough journey for her knowing that she was going have to sit back and let the team do their thing, for the first match at least. Ali also struggled to accept that she wasn’t going to be captain and had to let someone else lead. Even when she had been vice-captain before she had often had an input however for the first time she would have no input. She would have to do what was asked of her. There was no doubt in Ali’s mind however that she would be captain soon again. She was going to do whatever it took to earn that armband back. 

Ali arrived at the pitch whilst the team was nearing the end of their warm up. She made her way over to the bench to get herself comfy before the game. It was strange for Ali to be in this position. She had spent games on the bench before, but only when she had been injured so to be sat there when perfectly healthy was a new experience. Ali also wasn’t sure of what the team knew. She wasn’t sure if they were aware of what had happened or what their coach had told them. Whatever he had said can’t have been too bad as the team treated her in the same ways as they had done before.

Ali sat on the bench watching the match play out completely helpless. She occasionally offered a few words of encouragement but spent most of the time in silence away from the subs. Although Ali was focused on the match she still noticed a figure she didn’t recognise sit on the grass beside her. The girl that had sat next to her was wearing a kit Ali didn’t recognise and also seemed more focused on the game being played than Ali did. The girl caught Ali staring at her and sent a smile in her direction. Confidence shone from this girl and Ali’s curiosity got the better of her so she tried to find out what she was doing watching their game.

‘Why are you watching our game?’ Ali asked trying not to be polite, she was enjoying the time to herself.

‘Because we play you next and I’ve been sent out to see what your team is like.’ The unknown girl replied quite matter-of-factly.

‘Noticed anything interesting then?’ Ali questioned wondering what she made of her team.

‘Not particularly, only I was told your teams right back was one of the best at the tournament and I’m certainly not seeing that.’

‘Yeah, well, that’s probably because you’re talking to the starting right back.’ Ali explained somewhat sheepishly.

‘Wait, what?’ the girl seemed confused.

‘Yeah, I got benched for this game.’ Embarrassment swept over Ali.

‘Care to explain?’ the girl asked out of genuine interest.

‘Um, yeah,’ Ali began, quickly glancing at her coach who by this point had noticed she was talking to someone and not watching the game at all, ‘I kinda kicked off at our last game and so here I am.’ Ali explained the situation in as little detail as possible.

‘It seems kind of harsh to bench you though, I couldn’t begin to count how many times I’ve kicked off about something at a game.’

‘Yeah well, I may or may not have been captain during that game and er, I may or may not have ignored our coach and stormed off at the end of the match.’ Ali explained still not wanting to go into great detail about what happened.

‘Okay,’ the girl said slowly while nodding, ‘I guess that explains it a bit more. I can’t help but feel that isn’t the whole story though.’

‘And you might be right,’ Ali replied, feeling like she owed this unknown girl a full explanation.

‘So, will I get to hear the full story?’ the girl’s forwardness shocked Ali.

‘Uh, yeah, I guess. Just wait till after half time and I’ll tell you.’

‘Why till after half-time though? Why not now?’

‘Because, I don’t want to tell the story here,’ Ali explained gesturing to the pitch, ‘so after half time I’ll go with you to walk around and I’ll tell you the full story.’

‘Okay, but surely it’s better for you to stay here? What if you need to be subbed in?’

‘Trust me, I won’t be stepping over that white line this game for any reason other than to shake hands with the opponents I haven’t played against.’

‘Oh. Okay.’ The assured way in which Ali had said that threw the girl slightly.

The two sat in silence for a little bit until Ali’s replacement right back, Sophie, messed up and nearly set the other team up to score. Ali had been positive with everything she had said to the team up to this point.

‘Sophie, come on. You need to be tighter to your player than that. If you’re gonna stand there like that you may as well be sat next to me.’ Ali shouted harshly becoming frustrated at both the team’s performance and not being able to do anything but sit and watch.

‘That was a bit harsh don’t you think?’ the girl next to Ali asked.

‘I’m sure worse things have been said,’ Ali replied nonchalantly.

As Ali’s coach walked back down the side line he glared at her showing her how he felt at what she had said. On the way back passed her he spoke to her under his breath.

‘Ali, I have no problem with you shouting encouragement to the team but saying things like that isn’t going to help anyone and certainly won’t get you any closer to being the captain again. Next time keep comments like that to yourself.’ He said quickly and harshly, Ali certainly got the message.

‘I told you it was harsh,’ the unknown girl said with a smug look on her face.

When the half time whistle blew Ali quickly stood up and jogged over to her coach to let him know she was going to go to the toilet. He gave her a questioning look before he reluctantly agreed to let her go.

‘Okay, let’s go.’ Ali said to the girl who had stayed sat down so Ali reached out a hand to help her up. ‘Right, before we start this conversation I believe some introductions are necessary. I’m Ali Krieger, right back.’

‘Okay Ali let’s pretend I didn’t know your name as I was sent to watch you, wait that sounds weird, anyway. Ali Krieger, my name is Ashlyn Harris, goalkeeper.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts? how do you all like this?


	7. Chapter 7

Ali immediately recognised the name and wasn’t sure if that made the story easier or harder to tell. Questions began flying around Ali’s mind and she wasn’t sure where to start the conversation at. Did Ashlyn even know who she was?

 

Ashlyn interrupted her thoughts by asking where she wanted to go to talk. 

‘How about over there?’ Ali asked gesturing to where the pitches met the car park, as it was away from where any matches were being played.

They walked over to said spot and sat in silence for a few minutes before Ashlyn broke the silence. 

‘So Ali, I’d say we have about an hour before we need to get back to our teams and I’m all ears for whenever you want to start talking.’

‘Okay, before I start the story I need to fill you in on a few things. This will sound weird but I know who you are Ashlyn, well I know of you anyway. You’re a goalkeeper on the national team and you knew my best friend.’ Ali glanced at Ashlyn who gave her a small smile but was clearly confused by what Ali was saying. Ali took a deep breath before continuing. ‘Erm, Ashlyn, my best friend she used to tell me stories of you. Stories of you pranking people and all that, but beyond that she told me stories of you make game winning saves and she always spoke so proudly of you. And well, my best friend was Beth.’

‘Oh shit, you’re Ali. God I should have realised. Beth used to talk to about you all the time.’

‘Wait, what did she say about me?’ Ali asked suddenly curious as to what Ashlyn knew about her.

‘She never said anything bad about you honestly, but there’s a time and a place for what Beth said about you, and here isn’t it. I promise one day I’ll tell you though.’   
Ali reluctantly accepted Ashlyn’s answer.

‘Right Ali so now we’ve got that out of the way can I hear the rest of the story?’

‘Yeah yeah of course, I just wanted to clear up that I knew of you and stuff like that.’ Ashlyn just nodded.

‘Right so, the story of how I got benched. So it was our first match since you know,’ Ali just gestured and Ashlyn understood, ‘so it was also my first match as captain, I’d been vice captain under Beth. So before the match I pumped up the team and you know said we we’re gonna do it for Beth. We went in at half time losing by 1 goal so I did my thing again and pumped the team back up and just after half time we scored and tied the game. The match was then basically even for the rest of the second half. Then towards the end of the half I got the ball and found I had a free run down the wing so I ran down the wing and crossed the ball into our forward. The forward missed the ball, the other team countered and I had to run the full length of the field to track back. I did that and blocked the initial shooting opportunity but they passed around me and scored.’ Ali paused to take a breath and check that Ashlyn was still following.

‘Okay I get that, there’s more though yeah?’ Ashlyn asked.

‘Yeah, there’s more. So after the game had finished the coaches called a huddle, I felt like shit after the game though so decided I didn’t want to join the huddle. I decided to go sit in the changing rooms on my own. I thought it was all well and good as I went to go home but my coach was waiting for me. And basically he wanted to talk and I didn’t.’ Ali finished trying not to talk for too long.

‘So, you got benched because of that?’ Ashlyn asked checking she’d heard the whole story.

‘Pretty much yeah, oh and I also lost the captaincy so that was fun.’ Ali replied.

‘Wow okay, that’s pretty rough.’

‘Yeah, I know. I’ll just keep going though, I think I got most of it out of my system.’

‘Apart from the occasional harsh comment yeah?’ Ashlyn asked with a smirk recalling what happened earlier.

‘That’s nothing new that.’ Ali responded with a laugh. ‘So anyway, your turn. You’ve heard my story who is Ashlyn Harris?’

‘I’m a goalkeeper and Beth’s best friend on the national team. And that’s about it. I’m not really that interesting and don’t have any stories of being benched or anything like that.’ Ashlyn replied solemnly.

‘Right okay, how have you coped? I mean here I am pissing people off left, right and centre and being an emotional mess and I look at you and see someone who seems to have it all together and is clearly holding themselves well, so how have you done it?’ Ali gets out.

‘How do I cope? Erm, I don’t know, I suck it up I guess.’ Ashlyn replied with a shrug.

‘Wait, what?’ Ali asks shocked, ‘you ‘suck it up’? Are you taking the piss? You’re best friend died and you sucked it up? You’re ridiculous.’ Ali couldn’t believe what she had heard.

‘Okay, okay. I see how that came out so let me try and explain. So on the field, in public or wherever I am I feel I have a point to prove. I don’t want to be treated any differently because of what has happened so I channel all the emotion into what I’m doing. Now if I’m on the field then I find I play so much better when I channel everything into the game.’ Ashlyn pauses to check Ali is following, ‘So that’s what I do but once I get home and know that I won’t be seeing anyone till the next day then I’m an absolute mess. Like, honestly I don’t know what to do with myself so most of the time I sit in my room and cry.’

‘God, I feel awful for going off at you now, this is what I meant about pissing people off.’ Ali says sheepishly.

‘It wasn’t easy though, I had to go into national team camp a few days later and for the first time in I don’t know how long she wasn’t there, I mean luckily I didn’t have a roommate otherwise I don’t know what I’d have done. I guess in a way it helped having to stay strong at camp, it sorta helped me.’ Ashlyn said, just speaking her thoughts.

‘Hey Ashlyn I don’t want to bring it up but you weren’t at the funeral were you?’ Ali asked quietly.

‘No, no I wasn’t,’ Ashlyn whispers, ‘I had just gone into camp and well we couldn’t afford to fly me to the funeral.’

‘Oh my god Ashlyn, you won’t have said goodbye properly,’ Ali said as tears started falling down her face.

‘Hey Ali don’t you worry about me, just worry about yourself.’ Ashlyn said softly pulling Ali into a hug.

The two sat like that for a while longer before Ashlyn glanced at her watch and saw that they should probably head back to their teams.

‘Hey Ali, we need to get back now, we both have another game coming up.’ Ashlyn didn’t want to disturb her as she had gotten comfortable.

‘Okay,’ Ali mumbled as she sat up properly. ‘Hey one sec I swear we play your team next?’

The smirk on Ashlyn’s face was enough to tell Ali that she was right.

‘Okay let’s go.’

The two walked back in a comfortable silence until they got towards Ashlyn’s team.

‘So I’ll talk to you after the match yeah?’ Ashlyn asked wanting to get to know Ali better.

‘Ohh I don’t know about that, depends who wins.’ Ali joked.

Ashlyn’s coach called for her to join the rest of the team. ‘I’ll speak to you later Ali,’ she called over her shoulder as she walked towards her team.

Ali turned and headed towards where her team was. She felt truly content with herself and was now ready to go out onto the pitch and play like she never had done before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took forever to update. hopefully the next update won't take as long but you never know because of holidays and work and whatever but i'l try. hoped you enjoyed this chapter. comments? thoughts?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been so long. enjoy

Once Ali returned to her team she was informed that they had about an hour before they needed to start getting ready for the next game. This meant that they had time to rest and recover which Ali certainly didn’t need to do. Ali decided to make her way towards the toilets-for real this time- and get herself cleaned up and make sure no one could tell she had been crying.

When she got back to her team she sat and relaxed absorbing what had gone on earlier. She was interrupted from her thoughts when her coach came over asking to speak to her. 

‘Ali, can I have a word please?’

‘Huh? Uh, oh yeah, yeah of course.’

Ali slowly got up off the ground and followed her coach. Ali wondered why he had decided to walk away from the rest of the team and she couldn’t work out whether it was a positive or negative sign. As Ali caught up to him he sat down and patted the floor indicating for Ali to sit across from him.

‘Right Ali, I’m not going to drag this out because to be honest you don’t deserve that.’ He began.

‘Okay?’ Ali said slowly, slightly confused.

‘Ali because you didn’t return for the second half in that last match, and partly because of what you said to Sophie during the first half I’m going to keep her at right back. But I promise you it will only be for the first half. That second half you will be on the pitch.’ Ali’s coach told her trying to soften the blow somewhat.

Ali just sat crossed legged picking grass with her head down. She wasn’t quite sure how to react to this news.

‘Ali?’ her coach asked slightly puzzled by the lack of response.

‘What am I supposed to say? I don’t think anything I say will change your mind, will it?’ Ali snapped back.

‘Look Ali, I know you didn’t want to hear that, I mean I didn’t even want to have to tell you that.’

‘So why did you? If you didn’t want to say it why did you? You could’ve just let me start and left it at that.’ Ali said holding back tears.

‘Ali the thing is I can’t be seen to be treating you any different to any of the other girls. If it was anyone else I’d have done exactly the same thing.’ He replied not sure what else to say in response.

‘Okay, okay I get it. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt all the same. But can I just explain why I didn’t come back?’ Ali glanced up and her coach nodded so she continued, ‘I didn’t come back because you’d benched me, I knew you wouldn’t put me on if you could help it. I left because, well, sitting there wasn’t helping my mood much and as I already said, you’d benched me for the game.’

‘Yes, I’d benched you Ali but if someone had gotten injured I wouldn’t have hesitated to put you in.’ he explained.

Ali had no response and had returned to picking grass frustrated at what was happening.

‘Um, Ali, you wouldn’t be able to take the team through the warm up would you?’ Coach asked carefully not sure what Ali’s reaction would be.

Ali choked back a laugh and looked up at him, ‘Seriously? You’ve benched me for one and a half games and now you want me to lead the warm up?’ Ali couldn’t believe that he was really asking.

‘Ali, you’re one of the most respected players on the team and lately some of the others have lost that respect for you, and possibly deservedly, but you need to get it back. Let me just say that some people are questioning your commitment levels right now.’

Ali laughed before replying. ‘So..you want me to do the warm up prove my commitment?’

‘No, well not entirely. Ali I need someone to step up as leader. This team is going to get no where without a clear leader. Do this warm up, see where it gets you?’ 

The vague explanation confused Ali. ‘Okay’ she slowly and reluctantly agreed.

Ali sat for a few minutes longer shocked at the conversation she’d just had, she wasn’t sure whether to be mad, happy or just laugh at how ridiculous she thought the situation was getting. Eventually she got up and decided to get this warm up over and done with before getting herself comfortable on the bench-again.

As the 2 teams lined up to shake hands before the match Ali saw Ashlyn look over in her direction and screw her face up in confusion. Ali just laughed and shrugged her shoulders- she’d have to explain later.

Ali sat tensely, and silently, throughout the first half always panicking slightly when Ashlyn’s team headed towards Sophie, Ali’s replacement, which they seemed to be doing on almost every attack they made. Despite all the faults Ali could pick with the performance she just sat and let it play out not wanting to jeopardise her chances of playing any more. 

As the first half began to wind down Ali got up and starting jogging and stretching to get herself ready for going on for the second half. She knew she was going to be in for a tough half so wanted to be absolutely sure she was ready.

Ali stood towards the back of the group of players listening to watch her coach was saying, taking it all on board so that she would play her best when she finally got on the pitch. 

As her coach wound down his speech and let the team do their last preparations at half time Ali decided to speak up and clear the air.

‘Erm, girls so basically this last few weeks has been tough, so tough and ,erm, I basically wasn’t in the right head space whatsoever. Whatever I did and said has been said and done and I can’t go back on that. Well, basically, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry for what I did and I guess I just got wrapped up in myself and forgot about the rest of the world. So a couple of tough conversations later I’m ready to get back on the pitch and I’m ready to go crush it again. So girls, I’m sorry.’ Ali paused and let what she had said sink in. ‘So girls they’re a tough but we’re tougher. I mean it when I say that if play the game we know how to play then honestly we can beat any team here. So let’s go back out there and show this team how to play football!’

Ali stepped back from the team and went to her bag to get a last drink before starting the second half. Stepping over the white line for the first time, in what Ali felt like too long, she felt free again and focused on the match ahead.

The teams were locked in tight battle throughout the match and it was no different once Ali started playing. Ashlyn’s team continued to attack towards Ali’s side of the pitch, however no Ali was on the pitch they were having much less luck at getting through the defensive line.

Towards the end of the second half the forwards on Ashlyn’s team were getting more and more frustrated at the fact they couldn’t get past Ali. The tackles throughout the match were gradually getting worse, with less focus on winning the ball back and more on letting Ali know how annoyed they were. Ali could cope with the rough tackles, she’d been on   
the receiving end of much worse.

That was until Ali shouldered the forward off the ball and as Ali turned to run back up the line with the ball she ended up landing hard on the pitch, her ankle immediately throbbing with pain. Ali knew that she had been tripped intentionally with the player not even attempting to try and get the ball back. 

As Ali rolled back over so she could stand up she saw the player who had tripped her holding out her hand to help Ali up. Ali scoffed at this at stood herself up ignoring the player’s outstretched hand. Ali forgot the pain in her ankle and stood up coming face to face with the player that had tripped her. She closed the gap between them showing her just what she thought of the tackle. It wasn’t until Ali’s brain registered the referee blowing the whistle did she back down from the player giving her a slight push.

Despite the confrontation Ali’s team got the free kick because of the initial foul and Ali ignored the pain in the ankle for the rest of the match, wanting to actually play a full half that day. Ali managed to play out the rest of the half despite the pain in her ankle. The game finished out 0-0 as both team’s defence weren’t going to be broken.

Ali went through and shook all the player’s hands- well all but one- Ali had gone to shake hands with the forward she had confronted but she decided she didn’t want to resolve the issue with a hand shake and Ali wasn’t going to complain. 

Ali headed over to where the team was gathering and half listened to the praise the coach was giving them and the improvements that could be made. She glanced behind her and saw that Ashlyn had stayed back after her team had gone so Ali put her finger up and gestured for her to wait for a minute. Ashlyn simply nodded back and decided to take a seat on the grass.

Once Ali’s coach finished talking they were free to do what they wanted for the rest of the day. Ali made her way to the first aid bag and reached out an ice pack before heading over to where Ashlyn was sat.

As she reached Ashlyn, Ali saw her go to speak and held up her hand to cut her off before dramatically dropping to the floor, breaking the ice pack and putting it on her ankle.

‘Er, yeah sorry about that I guess?’ Ashlyn said with a chuckle, ‘she’s more used to having the run on defenders.’

‘Yeah well I think she’s more lucky I didn’t knock straight back down.’ Ali snapped back.

‘Hey, Ali calm down a bit, and trust me I had a word with her at the end, I don’t think she’ll try anything like that again.’ Ashlyn reassured Ali. ‘So, Ali, still not starting right back huh?’ Ashlyn asked with a nudge.

‘Apparently not hey,’ Ali replied with a laugh, ‘No it was your fault anyway.’

‘MY fault?’ Ashlyn said, moving her hand to heart mocking offense.

‘Yup, your fault. I was benched again because I didn’t come back for the second half,’ Ali explained before continuing. ‘It gets better though. After I got told I wasn’t starting he asked me if I would take the warm up because the team needed a “leader”.’

‘Was he taking the piss?’ Ashlyn asked with a laugh.

‘Nope, he was deadly serious. So there I was warming up, getting the team ready and then just end up sitting on the bench myself.’ Ali laughed at the ridiculousness of it.

‘Tell you what though, I can see why I was sent to watch you Ali, you’re one of the best defenders I’ve seen.’

‘Seriously? Thanks Ash,’ Ali said, blushing slightly. ‘I guess you’re not too bad a keeper either!’ 

‘I’ll try not to take offense about that.’ Ashlyn laughed before pausing slightly, ‘erm, Ali I don’t have too long to talk because I’ll have to find my teammates so I can get a lift with one of them.’

‘Okay, that’s no problem.’

‘It’s just, I, uh, wondered if you wanted to take my number so that you know, if its gets tough or whatever you can speak to someone different?’ Ashlyn asked tentatively.

‘Yeah sure, I think that’d be great. I mean I don’t think we’ll see each other anytime soon but I guess you never know when our paths will cross again. And honestly, I’d love to stay   
in touch with you.’ Ali said, already opening up a new contact. ‘Here just put your number in and I’ll text you so you get my number.’ Ali said passing her phone over.

‘There you go,’ Ashlyn said passing Ali her phone back.

‘Thanks. Hey, Ashlyn, why did you stay after the game, and I don’t mean to talk to me because your team seemed way to comfortable just leaving you.’

‘Er well, I basically decided that since, you know, that the closest thing I had to Beth was the football pitch. You know, no matter where I am I can guarantee there’ll be 2 goals, 4 corner flags and a pitch of roughly always the same size. So to me, this is my way of remembering and being with her. Either I reflect on what had happened that game or just remember something that happened while I was with Beth. It’s what gets me through it, so, yeah.’ Ashlyn explained not once looking up, afraid to show Ali the sadness in her eyes.

‘Hey Ash, it’s fine, I can see you loved Beth,’ Ali whispered pulling Ashlyn in for a hug.

‘Thank you.’ Ashlyn smiled and sat for a few moments, ‘sorry Ali but I really need to get going. I’m so happy I managed to meet you, and Ali promise me, anytime, anyplace it gets difficult and you need someone different to talk please ring me, text me whatever.’ 

‘I promise,’ Ali whispered, standing up.

‘I hope I see you again sometime Ali, honestly, and if not I’m only at the other end of the phone okay?’ Ali just nodded, ‘So Ali you keep fighting, keep being you, and make Beth proud.’ Ashlyn said, turning to leave.

Ali stood for a few seconds after Ashlyn left, watching as she turned and waved. Ali then made her way back across the pitch to get her bag, now the only one left. She unzipped her bag to put her phone away when she saw an envelope placed inside.

She picked up the envelope and tore it open before shaking the contents into her hand. Out fell the captains armband and a note from her coach, ‘you earned it’ it said and Ali held the armband close to her chest. The simplicity reminded her of Beth, nothing showy, nothing fancy but always right. ‘For you Beth’ she mumbled.

Ali then stood and looked across at all the empty fields becoming absorbed in the calmness of it all. She reached down picked her phone back up and opened up her contacts. She clicked on the name Ashlyn and sent a text which simply said, thank you.


	9. Chapter 9

Ali’s life continued as it had done before, focusing on school and football. Her team kept improving, winning and losing some matches but always with Ali as the captain. Life for Ali vastly improved, she began to return to her old self, of course things never were quite the same, but they were better, much better.

Ali and Ashlyn hadn’t crossed paths since that day, but they kept in contact even if only by text every few months or whenever one of them needed to talk. The amount of times this was decreased as the years went by. At first Ali would text Ashlyn every almost every tough moment but then those moments decreased in frequency, so Ali would only text Ashlyn after the really tough points- like the time Ali got told she was taking advantage of Beth’s death to get special treatment, Ali nearly sent the girl that said it to join Beth. Again she texted Ashlyn and again she seemed to know what to say.

They texted when they found out which college’s they’d be going to and Ali explains to Ashlyn why she chose Penn State; it was where Beth wanted to go and Ali decided she would go there if Beth couldn’t.

And so life carried on for the two of them, and whilst neither would admit to the other they both hoped that someday their paths would cross again. As they began college the two lost contact as they became wrapped up in the whole experience. Even when Ali lay in hospital with a broken leg, and Ashlyn considered quitting the sport she loved, neither told each other. Life continued and whilst they never forgot one another they also didn’t try talk to each other.

Following the injury, Ali got her first call up with the youth national team. It had taken her a while but she finally felt like she was closer to achieving her dreams and playing for the national team. Ali knew Ashlyn had been going into camps for years and was excited to finally meet up with her again.

Ali arrived at the hotel the team was staying at during camp, exhausted and desperately needing sleep. She let the coaches know she had arrived and then headed to find her room. She arrived before her roommate so picked a bed, dropped her stuff on the floor and fell asleep.

She was woken up a few hours later by the sound of her phone going off. As she sat up to reach for her phone she realised her roommate had been in and got her stuff sorted, and had been kind enough to let Ali sleep. Ali unlocked her phone and read the text she had just got.

**Ashlyn: Hey, your roommate told me you were here thought you should probably know that team dinner is at 6, see you there.**

Ali glanced up at the clock and saw that she still had about half an hour before she needed to go down to dinner.

**Ali: Hey, thanks for letting me know. What are you doing know? Got some time to kill**

**Ashlyn: just chilling with a few of the girls, come down to the lobby and join us if you want**

Ali sleepily wandered into the bathroom to wake herself up by splashing her face with cold water. She slipped on a clean t-shirt and headed downstairs to meet the team for the first time.

That night, and for the next few days Ali had so much fun. She was playing well, she surprised herself with how confident she was, she got on with all of the team and was truly enjoying every minute of camp. Four days into camp though, and as Ali expected she had a down day. She still played well but she didn’t enjoy herself as much. Jokes didn’t make her laugh as much, conversation was forced and being around too many people bugged Ali.

After the teams practice Ali headed back to her room, quickly got changed and headed back out of the hotel and wandered towards the beach. The walk took Ali 15 minutes longer than normal, she wasn’t in any rush to get anywhere and wanted to prolong the time she got alone.

Ali made it to the beach, lifted up her hood and lay her head back on the sand, put her headphones in and shut out the world. Whenever Ali had a bad day she would do this. During her first few months at college the team thought it was strange but left Ali to it and eventually got used to the fact that she may disappear for a few hours sometimes. Lying on the floor with her headphones in allowed Ali to forget the day, the week or whatever was happening.

Ali lost complete track of time, but when her phone went off for the fifth time in as many minutes, she figured she’d been at the beach a long time. Yet she still didn’t plan on leaving. She picked her phone up and saw the multiple texts of Ashlyn wondering where she was. Ali didn’t take in exactly what the messages said but knew what Ashlyn wanted to know.

**Ashlyn: Ali, where are you? You missed team dinner.**

**Ashlyn: if you’re asleep I’ll get you some food.**

**Ashlyn: Ali Ashlyn: Ali, just let me know where you are, I’ll cover for you and come talk okay?**

**Ali: beach.**

Ali let Ashlyn know then put her phone back down and entered her own world again.

It took Ashlyn about 10 minutes to make it to the beach and it didn’t take her long to see Ali. Ali was sat on the sand, with her back up to the beach wall. Her hood was up and she sat still resting her hands on her knees, occasionally picking up a pebble and throwing it towards the sea. Ashlyn felt terrible at the sight of Ali sat on the beach, alone and looking so dejected and desolate.

Ashlyn slowly made her way over and sat down softly next to Ali.

‘Hey Ali’

‘Hey’ she replied softly.

‘How you doing Ali?’ Ashlyn thought it a daft question but needed to start somewhere.

‘I’m- I’m- to be honest, I don’t really know. It’s one of them days I guess.’

‘One of them days?’ Ashlyn queried.

‘Yeah, one of them days,’ Ali sighed, ‘one where I feel shitty and bury my head in the sand- quite literally today. I just feel numb Ash.’

‘It’s okay, talk to me. I’ll just listen, I won’t contribute, I’ll just listen, if you want?’

Ali nodded slowly in confirmation, not sure exactly what she was going to say.

‘I don’t know if you guessed but I’ve been like this before, well quite often actually. I basically, I don’t know, I don’t feel much. I need space to myself to try and get my head right.’ After a brief pause Ali continued, ‘I guess, because I almost wasn’t here I wonder why I got a second chance, and why, well, why Beth didn’t get another chance. Why her opportunities have fallen to someone other than her and I got another shot at it. Because Ashlyn, I almost wasn’t here.’ Ali took a deep breath, letting Ashlyn take it in.

‘Ali I don’t quite understand. Why were you almost not here?’

‘Ash, I broke my leg and suffered a pulmonary embolism. I was pretty much lying on my death bed, but here I am.’ Ali explained bluntly.

‘Oh god, okay. Ali listen to me though, don’t feel guilty that you got a second chance at life, seize it. Make the most of what others can’t do, live their dreams for them. Ali, you are so close, you are doing so well and yeah, you’ll have days like this, I do. It happens because it doesn’t get easier; the pain just becomes more bearable. But there are going to be days when you can’t bear the pain anymore and you have to let it out. And that’s what you’re doing today and honestly that’s fine. But please, please, appreciate what you have and don’t feel guilty that you have a life to lead.’

‘It’s just so hard Ash.’ Ali said, holding back tears.

‘I know it is Ali, and believe me on the tough days I’ve wanted to give in, and god I came so close to doing that, but you just have to fight, and keep fighting because at the end of the day it is going to be so worth it and you’ll look back and remember why you did it and that feeling is going to be like no other.’

‘Thanks Ash.’ Ali whispered wiping away tears.

‘Hey Ali, you remember that day we met and I told you I’d tell you what Beth said you?’

‘Yeah, course I remember that.’

‘Well I feel like now’s the time to tell you.’

‘Okay, I don’t think you understand how much I’ve wanted to know what she had to say about me,’ Ali chuckled softly.

‘Well Beth would always mention you and she always hoped that one day she’d be able to come to a camp and introduce you to me, as a new player at the camp. And she’d always tell me about how she knew you’d make it one day but all you had to do was believe in yourself. She was always so proud to have you as a friend and as a team-mate. And Ali, I think the best thing she had to say about you, was that you kept her grounded, you kept her working hard and you pushed, even though you didn’t always realise it. And I know today’s been tough for you but I also know you are exactly where Beth wanted you to be, so please don’t feel guilty that you got a second chance at life, just make the most of it.’

‘Thank you Ash. And I’m sorry our conversations always seem to end up like this, but I think I got it out of my system for now.’ Ali said, a smile forming for the first time that day.

‘It’s okay Ali. Tough conversations need to happen. But come on let’s get back to the hotel, get you some food and enjoy the rest of our evening.’ Ash said, quickly hopping up off the sand and holding out her hand to help Ali up.

‘Thank you, Ash.’ The two walked along the beach back to the hotel, and while Ali still didn’t feel 100% back to normal, she felt better so that was something for her to hold on to.

When they got back to the hotel, Ali got some food and then spent a good half hour convincing Ashlyn to go and join the rest of the team. Ali just wanted to go back to her room to have some more time to herself, and it took her awhile to reassure Ashlyn that she would be fine on her own.

After many attempts Ali finally got Ashlyn to go and find the rest of the team, before heading to her room, where she took a long warm shower before getting into bed and drifting off into a restless sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Ali woke up the next morning with her head pounding and the sound of her alarm made her want to throw her phone out of the window. She rolled out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom where she locked the door and then found herself sitting against the door with her eyes screwed shut. Ali sat on the floor for a good few minutes before pulling herself up and leaning against the sink. Ali felt as if the room was spinning. She spent some time just staring at her reflection before managing to step into the shower.

Once Ali had showered she headed back into the room to get dressed. She got ready pretty quickly and was just about to head down to breakfast when she saw her earphones on the side and picked them up. She put them in as she walked towards the stairs. Ali didn’t intend to play any music through them but she figured that while she had earphones in no-one would try and talk to her. Ali was one of the first to breakfast which she was thankful for. She headed up to where the food was, and made herself a cup of coffee and realised that while she wasn’t hungry she probably needed to eat something, so she made herself the smallest bowl of cereal she could.

Still with her earphones in she looked at the tables, and despite a couple of players already sitting around one table Ali decided to sit off to one side on her, hoping that a bit of peace will help get rid of her headache. Ali sat in her own world watching the room gradually fill up while she picked at her breakfast. Apart from the occasional wave to a team mate they left Ali alone, all of them understood that sometimes you just needed a bit of space. Well, all of them but one, Ali internally groaned as she saw Ashlyn heading her way. She slid into the seat opposite Ali and made herself comfortable.

‘Morning Ali.’

Morning Ash,’ she mumbled back.

‘You alright?’ Ash asked, genuinely concerned.

‘Yeah, I’ve just got a slight headache so I decided to have a peaceful start to the morning.’ Ali downplayed how she felt.

‘Okay, I’ll leave you in peace then, see you at practice.’ Ashlyn said bounding off to join the rest of the team.

Ali finished off her coffee and cleared up her table, including the half eaten bowl of cereal and made her way back to her room, to get her bag ready for practice.

Ali had headed out to practice and still avoided too much conversation, hoping that it would mean she felt better when they did start training. However from the start of the warm up Ali knew she didn’t feel quite right, she felt sluggish when running and didn’t seem to have her usual lightness when doing agility work and sprints.

When doing ball work everything seemed to take a second longer for Ali to process, and her movements needed thinking about more, things that would normally be natural movements took longer. Despite the encouragement from the rest of the team when she misplaced a pass, or missed a tackle, Ali scolded herself internally and got more and more frustrated with her performance. It didn’t help that her headache still hadn’t gone.

As the team headed for a water break Ashlyn was going to check on Ali but Ali was called over by their coach before she got the chance.

‘Ali’

‘Yes coach?’

‘Can I have a word please?’ she said motioning for Ali to come over.

‘Yeah, sure.’ Ali said as she grabbed her water bottle.

‘Are you feeling okay Ali? Because either you’re not feeling too great or you’re having a really bad off day. Your normally fluid movements seemed incredibly forced and lethargic.’

‘I’m not really feeling all that great to be honest,’ Ali admitted, ‘I have a killer headache.’

‘Look Ali, there’s no need to be out here if you don’t feel anywhere near 100% and when you’re not playing that well.’ 

‘I know but I’m here to prove myself aren’t I?’

‘Yes Ali, prove yourself, not make yourself ill. Look honestly I think you’re exhausted, physically and mentally, head back to the hotel, rest up today and I’ll speak to you again before practice tomorrow afternoon? Skip the morning session and get all the rest you need please.’

‘Okay coach, see you tomorrow.’ Ali considered arguing but decided it wasn’t worth it; she didn’t have the energy anyway.

Ali wandered back to where her bag was to put her trainers back on. As she sat down, Ashlyn slid onto the bench next to her.

‘Hey Ali, what’s up?’

‘It’s nothing Ash, coach just wants me to head back because she thinks I’m exhausted.’ Ali avoided eye contact and just focused on untying her laces. ‘I’m going to go back and rest up and re-join practice tomorrow afternoon.’

‘Oh shit, okay.’ Ashlyn could see the other goalkeepers waiting for her, ‘look I gotta go back to the keepers but if you need anything just let me know yeah? And Ali promise me it’s nothing else, you are just exhausted?’

Ali took a deep breath and paused before looking up at Ashlyn, ‘I promise Ash, I’m just tired.’

‘Okay, look I’ll see you later.’ Ashlyn said before jogging to join the other goalkeepers.

Ali headed over to the team vans and got her headphones out again. Except this time she actually did play music through them because an awkward conversation with one of the team’s trainers wasn’t something she was going to let happen.

It was a relatively short drive back to the team hotel, which Ali was incredibly thankful for. Once back at the hotel, and after reassuring the trainer that she would be fine on her own and that honestly she didn’t need a baby sitter, she headed up to her room.

Once in her room she got changed out of the team issued kit and into something more comfortable for sleeping in.

Ali climbed into her bed and spent some time thinking about what had gone on. Hearing the teams cheers of encouragement gradually turning into groans, her performance gradually getting worse, and her coach saying she was mentally and physically exhausted. Ali decided to add another one to that list; she was emotionally exhausted.

Ali quickly scribbled a note to her roommate telling her not to worry about waking Ali up before she got up and shut the curtains darkening the room.

Ali decided that what she really needed to do was just sleep and forget about what was going on, and with little effort she drifted off into the deepest sleep she’d had in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

Ali slept through her team-mates getting up and going out to practice, she’d set an alarm to ensure she was awake for lunch. Ali woke up at around 11 and headed straight for the shower to try and wake herself up for the day.

After showering and getting changed she headed downstairs towards where the team ate their meals. She had got there before the team had returned so she took a place at a table and waited for the food to be laid out, and for the team to arrive. She spent her time just scrolling through her social media, seeing what she was missing at college and at home.

The rest of the team had arrived back and were starting to get their food but as Ali headed to join them she was called over by their coach.

‘How you feeling Ali?’

‘Yeah, I’m feeling much better today Coach.’

‘Look Ali, this is your first camp and you want to prove yourself, I know that. And you are one of the most consistent players we have here; it’s what got you called up in the first place and it’s what has made you stand out at training.’

‘Thank you Coach’

‘So, Ali when you play like you did yesterday we know something’s up. It’s not up to me to pry into what’s wrong but it is up to me to ensure my players are fit and healthy so next time I’d much rather you just said you weren’t feeling great and I’d have let you skip practice or let you do some weight work as opposed to being out on the field, okay?’ Ali just nodded. ‘And Ali quick thing, we quickly pick up on everyone’s habits; we know that you’re rarely one of the first down to team meals so that made us aware and we also know that you’re pretty sociable in a morning, and we often wonder how you manage to eat so much in a morning.’

‘Okay, so what you are saying is?’

‘What I’m saying is, yesterday morning you gave us plenty of warning signs that you weren’t quite yourself, now we understand that everyone needs time to themselves but when we see someone acting slightly differently we watch out for them at practice.’

‘Okay Coach, I understand. You’re saying that next time I should just tell you I don’t feel 100% instead of trying to play through it and play crap?’

‘Basically yeah,’ she replied with a chuckle, ‘now go get some food and get ready for practice today.’

‘Will do Coach,’ Ali said practically running to the food line as she hadn’t eaten yet that day.

Ali grabbed her food and headed back to her table and quickly joined in the light conversation that was flowing.

Ali finished her meal and excused herself from the table as unlike everyone else she wasn’t ready for practice so had to make her way back to her room to get her bag ready.

Ali was grabbing her stuff when she heard her phone go off. She picked it up and saw she had a text off Ashlyn.

**Ashlyn: Hey, sorry I’ve not had chance to speak to you today, you feeling better?**

**Ali: Yeah I’m much better today**

**Ashlyn: Want to come and watch a film after dinner?**

**Ali: Sounds like a plan, I’ll see you then**

Ali continued to get her stuff ready and made it back down to the team and hopped into one of the last team vans.

Ali played much better than she had the day before, not at her best, but better. And it made her feel good to be able to show and prove why she was there.

After training, and team dinner Ali headed to Ashlyn’s room to watch a film. Ali had felt much better that day and was still in a ridiculously good mood after her improved performance during training.

After some brief small talk Ali and Ashlyn settle in to watch some movie that Ali has never heard of. Part way through the film Ali rested her head on Ashlyn’s shoulder as she began to feel tired and had no idea what was going on in the film.

‘Hey Ali, you okay?’ Ashlyn whispered.

‘Yeah Ash, I’m good.’ Ali replied softly.

‘Look Ali, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you need to talk, I’m here, I understand what you’re going through.’

‘You don’t have a clue,’ Ali mumbled barely audibly.

Unfortunately for Ali, Ashlyn knew she had said something.

‘What did you say Ali, I didn’t quite catch it?’

‘I said Ashlyn, you don’t have a clue.’ There was a harshness to Ali’s words, and it was like a switch had been flipped inside her.

‘And what is that supposed to mean?’ Ashlyn questioned.

‘It means, you don’t have clue what I’m going through. You don’t spend your days feeling like your living someone else’s life. You didn’t spend your childhood watching your best friend go to the national team while you had to stay home wondering if you ever would join her because you were there Ashlyn, you were already there. You don’t feel like you’re in camp taking someone else’s spot because you already had your spot. And I don’t care how many years will go by, I will always feel like Beth should be here, and not me. And Ashlyn I don’t care what you say, you will never truly understand what the fuck I’ve been through, or what I go through.’ Ali paused to take a deep breath and when there was no response from Ashlyn she headed towards the door, ‘I’m done for tonight.’

Ali headed back to her room, and instead of feeling guilty she just felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her. She felt angry though, at herself for going off like that, yet she felt relieved, it needed to be said Ali thought.

By the time Ali had got back to her room she already had texts off Ashlyn.

**Ashlyn: I’m sorry I didn’t realise you felt like that.**

**Ashlyn: You’re right, I won’t fully understand how you feel.**

**Ashlyn: Ali, I’m not mad you said it, it’s better to say how you’re feeling than to hide it and let it eat away at you.**

Ali just ignored the texts and she grabbed a jumper and went for a walk, letting the cold air calm her down, in the process the weight of what she had said hit her. Ali realised she’d become wrapped up in herself and how she felt not giving a second thought about anyone else.

Ali headed back to team hotel after about half an hour, when she returned she picked her phone up of the bed and saw she’d received more texts off Ashlyn, she didn’t even bother to read them this time and went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!


	12. Chapter 12

Ali woke up early the next day and headed out for a run to set her up for the day. Having had a shower once she returned she was just finishing putting her make-up on when someone knocked at the door.

Ali carried on getting ready as her roommates went to the door.

‘Ali, Ashlyn’s at the door.’ Ali jolted her head up and took a deep breath before replying.

‘Okay, I’ll only be a minute’

‘Ali, I’ll be in my room’ Ashlyn called having heard what Ali said.

‘This’ll be fun then’ Ali mumbled as she went to pick up her phone.

Ali headed out of her room and down the corridor towards Ashlyn’s room. She knocked and waited for Ashlyn to open the door.

Ashlyn started speaking before the door was even open.

‘Ali, don’t start apologising please because I’m not gonna listen to it.’

‘Okay, fine.’ Ali replied as she entered Ashlyn’s room.

‘Look Ali what you said yesterday hurt and to be honest I couldn’t care less if you regret it or want to apologise because clearly you meant and you’d held it in for a long time. And maybe this isn’t what I should do or say but oh well it’s gonna happen. Say maybe I’ve got something to get off my chest, like you did yesterday and maybe I feel it’s my turn to share this.’

‘Okay, fair enough. And I wasn’t going to apologise, at least not today anyway.’ Ali replied nonchalantly.

‘Ali, you need to look around you, and look at the rest of the world. You’ve been so wrapped up in yourself you don’t think about how other people could be feeling. It’s honestly your worst trait and it’s been the same since that day I first met you. And I’m not saying you can’t have a shit day, or feel like crap but I am saying that you aren’t the only one to feel like that all of the goddamn time. Ali, you don’t even need to look that far, I’m sat right here and I spent so long after Beth died feeling jealous of you, and I didn’t even know you. I was so jealous that you got to spent as much time as you wanted with Beth, you could see her every fucking day, and I only got to see her every so often. I took for granted the short times I got to see her and when she died I realised I needed to cherish every moment I got with whoever I met because life is so precious and memories live so much longer than the people that create them.’ Ashlyn glanced up and saw the tears streaking down Ali’s face.

‘Ali, look, what I’m trying to say is that you need to focus on those memories you’ve got, but also focus on the memories that need making, so that when you do have a bad day you’ve got something positive to look back on.’

Ali just sat, staring blankly at the bed in front of her.

‘Alright, Ali, I’m done, tough love over.’ Ashlyn was struggling to fill in the silence around them.

The only sound Ali was making was sniffing every so often and trying to stop the tears falling.

‘Fine Ali, I’ll see you on the bus or at practice or whatever make sure you lock the door when you leave.’ Ashlyn stated as she picked up her bag and headed out of her room.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

‘Ashlyn!’

‘Yes Coach?’ Ashlyn asked as she made her way over to where the shout came from.

‘Where’s Ali? Everyone was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago, she’s the only one that isn’t, and I’ve heard you asked to speak to her earlier and were probably the last person to do so.’ She explained bluntly.

‘Erm, I’m not too sure Coach, I can go and have a look if you want?’

‘Yes, Ashlyn, I do want and do it quick!’ Ashlyn quickly made her way to stairs and took the stairs two at a time.

Ashlyn decided to head straight back to her room, assuming Ali never left. Ashlyn slowly opened the door not wanting to make Ali jump. Ashlyn didn’t know what to say or do when she saw Ali still sat in the same place as she had been when Ashlyn left her.

Ashlyn sat herself down next to Ali hoping to elicit some response from her, but she had no such luck.

‘Hey Ali,’ Ashlyn whispered, ‘you’re supposed to be downstairs, we're going to head off to practice.’

Still no response.

‘Come on Al, shall we get you cleaned up and then head downstairs?’

‘I’ve been such a bitch haven’t I?’

‘No, Ali you haven’t, you’ve been grieving.’

‘But you said it yourself Ashlyn, I’ve not thought about anyone else for the last few years and to say I’ve been grieving is no excuse, so has everyone else.’ Ali spoke softly.

Ashlyn knelt in front of Ali.

‘Ali look at me. The stuff that was said earlier was said to clear the air and to help us all move on, okay? Don’t look too deep at what was said, there was truth to it but don’t focus on that. Put your attention into what you’ve learned from it, move on and become the friend everyone needs. Okay?’

‘Okay.’ Ashlyn pulled Ali into a hug.

‘I’m sorry, Ashlyn.’

‘Don’t be. Now come on we’ve gotta get downstairs before Coach comes and murders us herself.’

Five minutes later the two were making their way down towards the stairs down to the lobby. One of the assistant coaches was coming up the stairs towards them.

‘Come on, everyone else has left for practice, hurry up.’

‘Sorry, this one decided she needed a nap.’ Ashlyn said pointing at Ali.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

Ashlyn and Ali got to the practice field as everyone else was in the middle of a drill, they both sat down and started changing their shoes; they’d fallen into a comfortable silence during the drive from the hotel.

‘You two,’ they both jolted their heads up when they heard coaches voice, ‘I hope whatever has been or is going on between you two has been sorted. And if it hasn’t then sort it whilst you’re running laps of this field.’

‘Yes Coach,’ they mumbled.

As she turned to walk away Ali jumped up and quickly caught up to her. They were out of earshot from Ashlyn so she didn’t know what was going on. Ali wandered back over to Ashlyn smiling and sat back down to tie her laces.

‘Ashlyn! Go join the other ‘keepers. Ali! 5 laps and then join the rest of us.’ Their coach shouted from across the field.

Ashlyn looked at Ali confused. Ali smirked and said, ‘I know you keepers aren’t cut out for running more than 10 metres.’ Ashlyn hit her with one of her gloves. ‘Rude. But true.’

‘Why?’ Ashlyn questioned as Ali stood up preparing to run a lonely 5 laps.

‘New me, Ashlyn, new me,’ Ali said with a smirk as she jogged off.


	13. Author's Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its not a proper update

Okay, so its been way, way, way too long since I updated anything here. I have not abandoned this and I am going to finish this story. I have just been swamped with school and life and I'm going to have to pull some kind of miracle to get into university so that's my priority for the next couple of months. By the summer I will be back updating and I will finish all this. If anyone is actually still wanting updates, sorry it's been so long.

**Author's Note:**

> tell me what you think please and hopefully I will be motivated to carry this on and finish it


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